6w0d

I've made it to 6 weeks!  Calloo callay!  Though, this marker has never been a difficult one to get to.  It's from here that things get unpredictable.   There is a difference this time, however, and that is that I am experiencing symptoms.  Tedious, lovely symptoms that remind me than I'm pregnant. I did not have these in the last 3 pregnancies.  My breasts are increasingly sore every day, which seems impossible since they are already oh-so sore up to my armpits.  I'm constipated and bloated (which reminds me I need to buy some Metamucil), and of course, I'm tired (but that's nothing new for me).  No morning sickness, but neither my mom nor my sister ever experienced that in their combined 5 pregnancies.  I've felt slightly queasy occasionally, but that's it.  I'll take it that way, I don't need to be barfing to feel better.

I'm choosing to take those symptoms as signs that things are going well.  I know that their presence proves nothing, but it's my choice to be positive.  I still have a week and a half until my ultrasound, and waiting is just soooo hard.  In the other pregnancies, we always had the first ultrasounds at about 6 weeks or so, because I was working with the fertility clinic and they'd do that to verify the pregnancy.  Something was always wrong with embryo or sac on those first u/s' and I would be scheduled to come back a week later, around 7 weeks or so, only to find that something even more horrible had gone wrong, and that there was no hope.  This time, I got pregnant on my (our) own, with no help from medicine nor doctors nor offices.  And when I called the appointment line at Kaiser to make a prenatal appointment, there was no mention of my "advanced maternal age" or high-riskiness from either me or the nurse.  I was given a standard appointment as though I were 27 years old.  I'm being treated like I'm not in some dangerous category, and I kind of like that.  I don't feel old, or dangerous, or risky.

But waiting to know if everything is going OK is really hard.  

5w3d

I'm still here!  Which isn't unusual for the last few pregnancies I've had.  Next week will be the real test.  Though for the last 3 days I've had some tan spotting.  I have no idea what that means.  But it's caused some dreams of miscarriage.  One of the few times that I'm happy to wake up.  I'll write more later, gotta run to work now.


OK I'm back for a blip, taking a break from a full day class at work on project management. I'm so tired its embarrassing. I know the instructor can see that I'm practically falling asleep. I did so well choosing my lunch strategically so that I wouldn't fall asleep, but then I succumbed to the lure of a scrumptious piece of cake. Even though I ate less than half, it was enough to get the blood sugar surging and then crashing back down over the last hour. Soooo sleepy. Or is it the cold?? Or is it the pregnancy?? I am having a hard time deciphering some of my symptoms because of this cold. Good news on the cold, I was told I can take Robitussin DM, Benadryl, Claritin or Zyrtec. So I feel a little better.

I forgot to post that I made my ultrasound appointment for 7w4d, on March 27. It's still over 2 weeks away. I am wondering if I'll make it there. The last miscarriage started on 7w0d.   It's so hard to wait, but I don't have a choice.  The difference between this pregnancy and the last 3 is that my boobs are supersore this time around.  I think with one of them they were a little sore, then they weren't sore, then I miscarried.  With the other two they were never sore, I didn't really feel pregnant.  So the sore, sore boobs and the twinging ovaries/uterus feelings are a comfort this time around. 

I read someone else's blog yesterday and she was talking about staying positive.  I'm attempting that....  for example I'm not doing betas this time. I would have if the doctors told me to, but when I made the appointment they didn't mention it.  I didn't need a blood test since I knew I was pregnant thanks to 2 home pregnancy tests, so I decided not to ask for beta checks either in an effort to have less to worry about.  I've not had good luck with betas. 

It's very easy to doubt, as the only paths I've been down have led to disappointment.  But the thing is, I don't think it's impossible for me to have a healthy pregnancy and baby.  I think it is possible.  I am an older mom, but I bet I still have some good eggs left.  We stopped with the fertility clinic, I stopped charting, I stopped using ovulation testing kits.  Yet I'm pregnant.  This can happen.